Who are you watching?
On the mother mentor gap — and what we're going to do about it
I’ve been thinking about mirror neurons.
We’re wired to learn by watching. Younger siblings copy the next oldest. The oldest copies the parents. In our family, I see it with cousins: the one who’s a few years older is magnetic, and the younger one orbits them, absorbing everything.
It happens at work, too. I just didn’t realize it at first.
I was incredibly fortunate to work for Tonya Porter, Head of Primary at Chinese International School. She tapped me for my first leadership role, supported my growth, and was a wonderful boss and mentor.
She was also the only woman I had ever worked for.
As I shared on Tuesday, I eventually broke down in her office. “Tonya,” I said, “I can’t do it like you do.”
I suddenly realized what was happening. Tonya was my closest model. The way a younger cousin reaches toward the older one, absorbs their habits, tries on their life was the same way I had been watching her and trying to become her. And the version of Tonya I was watching was always available, always working, seamlessly managing an enormous job.
She had never had children.
If this was the model, I was in trouble.
I was going to have to find some others.
I looked.
I found a few peers — women my age, with kids the same age, navigating similar roles. Through Excelle, a collective for women in leadership in independent schools, I met a cohort of women who were trying to figure this out alongside me. One in particular — same age, kids around the same age, assistant head of school — became someone I leaned on deeply. We found such strength in just knowing the other existed.
I had two female work coaches during this period. One was a social worker with adult children. The other was a successful school administrator who, like Tonya, had never had children. Both were wise and generous.
Neither could model what I was actually trying to figure out.
I didn’t have anyone ten years ahead of me who had already done it — someone I could watch and copy and reassure myself it was possible.
So I became very conscious of the role I was playing for others.
I was a principal with three children in my division. I was also a spouse, a daughter, a sister. I tried not to pretend any of it was simple.
I stopped sending emails after hours. I wrote them, but I scheduled the send. It was a small thing. And also not a small thing.
I made my parenting visible. It was impossible to hide anyway. The teachers, psychologist, and after-school team were crucial members of our care team. So I stopped trying to gloss over it and started letting it be part of the picture.
I said to the women I mentored, explicitly and often: this can be done.
Some of them believed me.
One has become a lower school head. Several others hold meaningful leadership roles while also parenting young children.
Recently, I asked my coaching circle: Who are your role models?
Two out of three pointed to me.
Initially, I felt proud.
Then alarmed.
We’ve got some work to do.
I don’t want to be the only example people in my community can point to. I don’t want my personal story to be the only place someone finds herself reflected back.
The closest thing I’ve found to a comprehensive overview of our situation is this study. The research is clear: one of the most helpful interventions for mothers in leadership is role modeling.
Women helping other women see what’s possible.
So I’m building something.
A series — modeled loosely on Kelly Nolan’s “How I Structure My Day” — where mothers in leadership share how they actually do it.
What does your week really look like?
What systems do you rely on?
What have you figured out that no one taught you?
What’s invisible that you could make visible to help someone else?
If this resonates — if you have figured out something worth sharing, or if you’re still looking for a map — reply to this email. Tell me who you are, where you are in this journey, and what you need. I’ll follow up.
Because here’s what I know:
We’re not going to find each other by accident.
Our world is too diffuse. Our extended families and communities aren’t always close. And even if they were, they might not be packed with mothers in leadership. Mine wasn’t.
So it’s on us.
I’ll organize it.
But I need your voice.
Who better than us?
🕊️
SAM
This is so awesome!