Not is hot

Every no creates space for a better yes

I’m always looking for new language around boundaries—words that make saying no feel less like failure and more like freedom. This week, I found the perfect phrase.

On Monday, I was sitting in a breakout session at the Learning Forward conference in Boston when a woman stood up to join the conversation.

Jal Mehta from Harvard had just invited us to reflect on Adrienne Maree Brown’s phrase “small is all.” The woman nodded. She was clearly familiar with Brown’s work. Then she offered: “Small is all. And ‘not’ is hot.”

The room went quiet.

“What’s your name?” Professor Mehta asked. She told him. I wish I’d written it down.

She explained what she meant. As professional learning leaders—people who design and lead professional learning in schools—we’re constantly deciding what to prioritize. We have limited time. Limited budget. Limited capacity.

The most important question isn’t what we should add. It’s what we should cut.

Not is hot.

The discipline of doing less

This phrase landed hard for me. It perfectly captures the work I’ve been doing around boundaries—both in my own life and in the leadership development work I do with mothers and in schools.

It takes so much discipline to do less.

This weekend proved it.

I got an unexpected call on Thursday. My three-and-a-half-year-old nephew needed care for the weekend. I love my nephew, and three-and-a-half to four-year-olds are my favorite age, but in what world could I suddenly make space to have him for the weekend? Without his mother?

But then I realized—I could say yes. Because I’d already said no to so many other things.

I’d said no to hosting my entire family for Thanksgiving. I’d said no to volunteer commitments. I’d carved out space in my calendar, not because I had nothing to do, but because I was protecting time for what mattered most.

And because of those nos, the two days with my nephew were an absolute delight.

The yes that no makes possible

The other thing I said yes to this weekend was hosting my father’s sisters, one of whom was visiting from the West Coast. In all, we gathered 12 members of three generations to eat coffee cake, race Matchbox cars, and play hide-and-seek.

It was spontaneous, chaotic, and wonderful. I think it will be a core memory for everyone who was there. The adults caught up, connected, and shared ideas and inspiration.

And I made it happen because of all the things I had not said yes to.

What are you saying no to?

I have a stack of books on boundaries. The latest one on my table is The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue. Earlier this year I devoured Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. My learning is never done in this area.

But I love a good catchphrase. And “not is hot” might be my new favorite.

So here’s what I’m wondering:

• What are you saying no to this week?

• What commitment could you decline so you have space for the unexpected nephew, the spontaneous family gathering, the thing that actually matters?

Not is hot. Every no creates space for a better yes.

🕊️

SAM

The yes that no made possible