Family Admin

“I feel like there are three people in this relationship: you, me and NEL – the Never-Ending List!”

Having spent the first 12 years of our marriage in Hong Kong, with extraordinary access to childcare and home support, my husband and I were in for a shock when we moved to the U.S. with our four-, seven-, and nine-year-olds. Suddenly, everything was on us — the doctor appointments, the sick days, the summer camp forms, the dinner planning. It was so much.

The first month into the school year, our youngest was complaining of not feeling well. We didn’t have a pediatrician. Could we take a four-year-old to the urgent care? Where was the nearest urgent care? Was it open in the evening? And if he was sick, who was going to stay home with him the next day?

We finally managed to get him diagnosed – with a double ear infection! I could feel the nurse’s concern: how long had this child been suffering? And I also couldn’t guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again. There was just too much to keep track of.

For years, it felt like we were white-knuckling our way through, hoping nothing would fall through the cracks. Eventually, a treasured colleague introduced me to the concept of “Family Admin,” which is the umbrella term she uses to refer to all of the labor (physical, mental and emotional) that it takes to lead a family. Just hearing the phrase felt revolutionary — finally, there was a name for all the invisible labor! She blocked “Family Admin” time in her calendar every week, dedicated to scheduling appointments, filling in forms, and paying bills. I immediately began blocking Family Admin time, too.

But it turns out just protecting the time isn’t enough. There is also the negotiation of who is going to do what. When I discovered the “Fair Play” card deck, by Eve Rodsky, I was amazed — someone had actually listed every task required to run a household! Everything from the obvious of meals, trash, laundry and dishes to the more hidden: who makes the family travel plans? Who keeps track of shared passwords? Who handles packing and unpacking for trips? Who schedules cello lessons, pays the teacher and makes sure practice happens? Just seeing it all written out felt like validation: the work is real, it’s not all in our heads.

Ultimately, I think the only secret sauce to us getting our family admin tasks under control was sending two kids to boarding school. Between the two of us, both working from home, we can manage to take care of ourselves, one 13-year-old and one dog.

In one of my coaching groups last year, a participant perfectly captured this struggle when she shared a conversation she had with her spouse: “I feel like there are three people in this relationship: you, me and NEL, the Never-Ending List!” Everyone in the group laughed with recognition.

So I’m wondering:

• How do you keep track of all of the family admin tasks?

• Do you have shared calendars? Shared grocery lists?

• Does anyone use Asana or Trello or some other work app for managing your family business?

• If you have a partner, how and when do you negotiate who is going to do what? Do you have weekly planning meetings? Rushed conversations over breakfast?

• What’s working well?

• What are you struggling with?

• Anyone have a family admin hack other than boarding school??

I’d love to build a resource bank for other mothers in leadership. Please add a comment or send me an email or a text if you prefer. I’ll collate and share out in a future post.

In the meantime, take care! You are doing a great job navigating impossible demands. Leadership at home is just as complex as leadership at work — and maybe harder because the stakes are so personal. But naming the jobs, sharing what helps, and supporting each other are acts of leadership too.

🕊️

SAM

Built by those who crossed before, for those who come after