"Do more empathy"
What are we if we're not nice--witches?
I want to share an article that I can’t stop thinking about:
Janet Malcolm Understood the Power of Not Being ‘Nice’
Critics and admirers alike seemed obsessed with how “not nice” the legendary journalist was.
The author poses the question, “How do we balance the pressure to be nice or likable or make other people comfortable against the imperatives to do our best work and be our true selves?”
The premise grabbed my attention immediately. I shared it with my coaching groups.
“I think you need to do more empathy”
At one point in her career, Janet Malcolm was sued for libel. To improve her chances with the jury, her lawyer apparently struggled with “how to make her seem like a more likable witness.” They hired a voice coach. Traded her black-and-gray clothes for pastels.
This hit a nerve for me. I know exactly what it’s like to be a woman asked to reshape herself into something more palatable.
My boss walked into my office one day.
“I’ve been talking to the board,” he said, “and I think you need to do more empathy.”
I stared at him.
It was 2022. I was an elementary school principal. We’d kept the school open during a pandemic. Children were learning. Teachers were teaching. I was on the verge of collapse.
Do more empathy.
Those of you who know me well just snorted.
I am not lacking in empathy.
If anything, I’m overly empathetic. It’s one of my greatest strengths and sometimes my greatest liability.
What I said, and what I wish I’d said
In that moment, I knew I should say something. So I executed a move I’d perfected over the years. I softened it.
“Oh, that’s so interesting,” I said. “That’s feedback women in leadership often get—that we need to be nicer, more empathetic.”
He shrugged. “Just passing along a message.”
But that’s the problem. He took the message. And then he brought it straight to me. Which meant he believed it, too.
This same boss, by the way, thought it was hilarious to tell people that women get dumber after they have babies. He’d cite some statistic about women losing IQ points after childbirth. Ha ha ha.
The first time he said it to me, I was stunned. I was in a room with another colleague who was also a mother. After the meeting, we looked at each other.
“Did that just happen?”
“Did he actually say that?”
We were in disbelief.
But yes. He said it. Women get dumber after they have babies.
Did I address it with him?
I did not.
It wouldn’t have been nice.
What “nice” costs us
What are we if we’re not nice—witches?
I suspect if I had been born at a different time, I would definitely have been tried for witchcraft.
And maybe that’s the point. The threat of the stake has always been there, just in different forms. Getting sued. Getting fired. Getting labeled “difficult” or “aloof” or someone who needs to do more empathy.
What does “nice” cost us as mothers in leadership? How much emotional labor are we investing in being nice that could be channeled elsewhere?
And what are we actually afraid of?
Because when I think about Janet Malcolm, what strikes me is that she was free. Free to do her best work. Free to be her true self. Free from the constant calibration of how she might be perceived.
What would that freedom feel like?
🕊️
SAM
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Well, I don't want to "heart" this one because there is BS all over it, SAM. I will say that I snorted more than once and we've just had our one-year friendversary. There was actually a recent #squigglycareers podcast about "effective authenticity," and how bringing your full empathetic self to work is maybe not the best thing. To do empathy or not - is that really the question?!